The reviews that make all the other reviews feel miserable - enter: Big Ghost

Now, this guy Big Ghost (a.k.a. "Cocaine Biceps or the mighty Hands of Zeus aka Phantom Raviolis aka Galaxy Knuckles aka Shampoo Bracelets or none of that shit yo") has recently been added to my list of the Top 100 Human Minds in the world right now.

Although I don't completely agree with all his opinions (actually I don't think anyone in the world really does) I love his album reviews. And you probably will, too. I'll tell you why.

1. Even if you are not interested in Hiphop in general, rants like the following have to make you laugh:

“Holy Grail” (f/ Justin Timberlake) – First off I wanna say big ups to Jay for ignorin the obvious but corny option he had to call this album Magna CARTER Holy Grail. Had this been Nas we already kno he woulda done some shit like MagNAS Carta.. or whatever. But yo…back in ’96 after hearin “Pain In Da Ass” on the intro for Reasonable Doubt Ion think anybody coulda guessed that someday son woulda had the little curly blonde cracker from the Mickey Mouse Club n future Britney Spears ex doin the intro on his 12th solo joint but HEY thats the beauty of music bruh. After like13 mins of JT croonin his heart out the beat kicks in n OHMAHHGAWDSON the shit slaps like a muthafucka..Im like GATDAMM YO… I mean I knew after seein the game 5 Samsung hijack durin the finals (we not callin that shit a “commercial” or any kinda “ad” b…ni**as dropped a 3 minute mini-documentary in the middle of one of the biggest basketball games of the year…thats hijackin the airwaves yo) that the “overweight” gallon of punch packin n banana inhalin (pause) Timbaland who made “Dirt Off Your Shoulders” n “Big Pimpin” was back in effect… Like I realize Timbo wanna redeem hisself for what we jus gon start referrin to as “The BP3 Debacle” n shit but the ni**a took it to the next level on this joint… Only problem was after Hov gets his Hov on for a quick 16 its like another 5 mins of JT singin n then again for like 17 mins at the end of the track. Somebody needs to reintroduce theyself to the “less is more” concept again yo. I mean no disrespect to Justin but ni**as waited 4 years for a new solo album from Jigga…nobody tryna hear a 72 bar hook from ANY these feature ni**as right now. Ion care if Marvin Gaye hisself rose from his grave n brought MJ n Whitney wit him…Imma be like YALL SOME LEGENDS N I LOVE YALL BUT YALL GON HAVE TO FALL BACK N LET THIS MAN SPIT RIGHT NOW CUZ HE BEEN AWAY FOR A HOT MINUTE YO… But all that shit is minor. From what I heard The-Dream had a lot of this song done before Timbo or Jay did they thing on this…so my hats gotta come off for that muthafucka too since it was basically his joint. I fucks wit this tho. (Source: his MCHG review for Okayplayer)

2. If you are a fan (or fiend) of the particular artist, whose album he is reviewing, his thoughts or rants will resonate even more. Big Ghost knows his rap game, no doubt!

This is sons sixth official studio album in 10 that time he went from bein the cocky lil pink polo n Louis V backpack rockin pain in the ass nigga who was one of the 3 architects of that soulful sound Jay-Z brought back on The Blueprint classic (shoutouts to Just Blaze n Bink!) to bein that leather miniskirt n crystal gimp mask rockin pain in the ass nigga who seeded up Kim Kardashian who goes outta his muthafuckin way to act out in public like he really aint get his ass beat enough when he was a child. But he dope. (Source: the intro to his Yeezus review on his blog)

Cut a long story short, peep his reviews. And of course his very entertaining annual lists of "The 10 softest N*ggas in the Game right now".

And because I just want to spread the love real thoroughly, some more poetic diamonds in the raw from the feather of The Hand Of Zeus:

6. “I’m In It” – (...) this shit even creepy for a Kanye song bruh…talmbout bitin n eatin ass… Son made sure he mentioned it was some Asian box he was pourin sweet n sour sauce on n a Black chick he was puttin his fist in like a civil rights sign tho. Jus so we kno he not sayin this shit bout his Armenian queen namsayin. But if he WAS describin his baby moms on this song he probably woulda stuck a lamb kebab in her ass n spread baba ghanoush all on it. Listen son….what this muthafucka wanna do in the privacy of his own domain is his business n whatever namsayin…but all I can picture is a seeded up Kim K wit her orca dress half off n a gagball n her mouth when he sayin this nasty shit yo. Ionno what purpose a muthafucka might have for this track other than to have shit to listen to at a Trojan orgy or some shit like that. If you rock latex garments n enjoy painful sex this might be your jam tho…. (Source: his review of Yeezus for Okayplayer)

 12. “Beach Is Better” – When I heard this shit I was like yo Im bout to go punch somethin… Shit had me feelin reckless yo. I wanna do ignorant shit to a track like this nahmean. But…what…the…fuck…51 seconds later Im realizin this shit jus another interlude yo. Who the fuck allowed this shit??? Ni**a at least let that muthafuckin beat ride. Dont jus have some dicktease type interlude joints sprinkled all over the album yo… Ayo Im vexed tho. Shit knocks.. but you can basically only drive for like a block n a half before you gotta rewind it back again. That shit jus interferes wit my ballin too much. Fuck you for doin this shit to ni**as Jay. (Source: his review of MGHG for Okayplayer)

And finally, heaven and hell. You already know the guy is a mad fanboy of kanye and jay z (who can blame him) but he really hates the shit out of Big Sean:

2. “Clique” – Kanye, Jay-Z & Big Sean: – You take a song wit Jay n Kanye on it n you add Big Sean to that shit…thats like takin Wagyu steak witta side of truffles n you splash some A-1 sauce on that muthafucka namsayin. That nigga Big Sean is a condiment b. The nigga is ketchup nahmean. Son aint even on the menu namsayin. You dont go to ANY restaurant n see ketchup on the menu b. Not even cheap ass spots like Burger King got ketchup on the menu…that shit aint a item on the menu. At a nice restaurant they jus be throwin that shit there on the table sometimes like “yo…if you a uncultured lowlife muthafucka you can ga’head n splash summa this shit on ya expensive ass food or whatever son”. If its a real nice spot…like some place witta “Chez” in front of the name they probably aint even got no ketchup or steak sauce in the buildin at all yo… They jus be havin the grey poupon type joints or some shit nahmean. But yo Sean…stop callin yaself “B.I.G.” on tracks you degenerate medium ass muthafucka….thats jus disrespectful. How Jay allowin that shit? N why Jay usin Fat Joe’s flow for the first 4 bars of his shit? Gettin back to Sean tho…this might be the first halfway decent joint son ever been on. N its definitely the only song I ever heard son spit on where I aint feel like I wanted to punch a infant after hearin his corny ass rap. Of course dude had to insert some hoe shit in there tho talmbout “I need a spa day”………cmon son. I guarantee you this muthafucka likes gettin his toes sucked namsayin. But yo…outside of all that homophile shit…I fucks wit this shit kinda heavy. Hit-Boy did the damn thing on this beat too…no frontin. (Source: the Cruel Summer review)
The blog of all blogs: 

Finally, a bit of criticism though. MCHG doesn't deserve 4 of 5 Zeus Slaps, def not!

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